I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
