How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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