Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
