My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
