Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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