I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
