The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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