you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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