Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
