True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
