moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
