i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
