I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
