Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
