I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
