Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
