dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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