I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
