The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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