At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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