so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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