dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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