I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
