my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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