Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
