I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
