Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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