All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
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Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
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The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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