I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
