Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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