Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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