there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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