i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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