You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too