I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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