I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
