Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
