i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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