Don't make out with my wife yet
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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