Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I still have a little drunk in my system
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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