i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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