I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
