I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
