Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
