He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dick very happy bro
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