I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
