I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
