I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
