Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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