Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
