get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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