I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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