They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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