I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
