she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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